Funny how sometimes we say, “I welcome your feedback,” and yet our body language and response says something different. I recently worked with some executives who felt they couldn’t really be honest with their CEO. Past experience proved that being honest was not in their best interests, even though the CEO kept saying “I need you to be honest with me.” When they were, he would tell them they were wrong and/or get defensive and discount their feedback. Each of them decided to temper their message, yet the sad truth was that what they had to say was important. Keeping quiet was not in the best interest of the Company. They needed to find a way to regain their voice with the CEO, and the CEO needed to engage in more self-awareness as to the mixed messages he was sending to them.
I met with the CEO and asked him to share with me some feedback he had received from his Executives lately. He said he hadn’t received any. Here’s how the conversation went from there.
TG: “Is that unusual?”
CEO: “Well, they used to be more direct, and I like that. But recently they haven’t been.”
TG: “Can you think of any situations that occurred that might have caused them to stop being as direct with you?”
CEO: “Not recently”
TG: “What typically happened when they did give you feedback?”
CEO: “Well, I would listen and then tell them what I thought and sometimes I thought they were wrong and I would tell them that.”
TG: “How did they react to that?”
CEO: “Some argued their points, and others just accepted that I was right and they were wrong.”
TG: “Hmm … did you hear what you just said?”
CEO: “Yes.”
The conversation shifted from what “they” were not doing to what the CEO could do differently to be more open to feedback. He admitted that he did have a knee-jerk reaction to getting negative feedback and probably did send the message that “if I don’t like what you say, I’m going to say you are wrong or discount what you are saying to me.” He also learned that “how” he responds is something he can control. He can could pause after getting the feedback and take it in. He could say thank-you to the individual for giving him the feedback. He could be curious about the feedback and say, “Tell me more about that ….” or “Help me understand your thinking on this.” He could then state how he sees the situation, staying mindful of how he was is sending the message AND monitoring his inner reactivity. If he is having a great deal of reactivity, he could say out loud, “I’m having a little trouble taking in this feedback. I may come across as a little defensive so I just need you to know that.” He could pay attention to how the person is responding and check in with the individual on how s/he is doing by saying, “What’s going on for you right now as we talk about this?” to make sure he gives the individual permission to continue being honest with him.
All or some of these steps can contribute to a very different outcome for both parties. In the end, the CEO learned some new strategies that not only encouraged his employees to be more honest with him, but, achieved what he really wanted – feedback!
How are you at receiving feedback from your employees, team members, and clients? When interacting with others, notice how you respond when getting feedback. Better yet, ask for feedback and see what you get. Then, practice some of the strategies above and see what happens!
