“He’s like a father to me.”
After many years of working with employees and talking to hundreds, if not thousands of them, this statement is one that I struggle with. On the one hand, a manager or owner who cares for his employees like a father is to be admired but on the other hand, being a father-figure, or parent for that matter, in the workplace can be troublesome, if not dysfunctional.
Every human being seeks approval from their father (parent) and wants to be loved unconditionally. A supportive, nurturing parent in the workplace instills confidence in an employee to think and act on his/her own and to become the best s/he can be. Who wouldn’t want that? Where this goes awry is when the employee seeks the approval of the parent and remains dependent on that individual to instruct and guide his/her every action. Likewise when the parent (manager) creates a sense of dependency on him/her and demands (in subtle and unsubtle ways) adherence to his/her way, criticizing and imparting punishment when his/her way is not followed, the line is often crossed from healthy into unhealthy.
I’ve seen both scenarios and many more that reek of an unhealthy dynamic in the workplace. While the nurturing, supportive parent is important to each and every employee at times in his/her career and work, the critical, punishing parent has no place in the workplace. What is healthy is when the model is not a parent-child model but a model that holds both employee and manager responsible to as act as “adults.”
In this model, the manager is clear about what s/he expects of the employee; provides frequent, positive and constructive feedback about performance; recognizes, appreciates and values the contribution that the employee makes; and encourages the employee to develop his/her own “inner guidance system” that directs and assists him/her in being the best s/he can be.
Likewise, the employee takes full responsibility for his/her performance; receives feedback, not from a defensive, wounded child response but from a receptive and discerning state and applies what is learned to his/her performance; asks for assistance, when needed; works to continuously improve his/her self not just to be recognized or earn more money, but to attain his/her professional and personal goals; and seeks not to please and gain approval but understands the contribution being made to the company and, at the same time, sees how what s/he does contributes to what really matters in his/her life.
You may be saying, “That could never happen in my work place, it’s just not possible with the employees or managers I have,” yet I’ve seen it happen. It is possible and it is happening in workplaces today, yet managers and employees must be taught to act this way and when they are, it works. Now, it doesn’t happen overnight; it takes some individuals longer to adopt this mindset and some never do, but imagine if 80-90% of your managers and employees operated this way? What could your workplace be like and what would that mean to you?
